que sera sera

1. 9
   Oct
   

   i used to have a safe haven. whenever i felt upset i didn’t necessarily have to voice the angry words that had swarmed my thoughts. i’d just have to be in that one place and everything would be okay. it was fun. it was carefree. it was comforting. it was my grandparent’s house. 

   my grandfather had past and it felt like everything sort of fell apart. that and we all grew up. that laughing about the simple things wasn’t enough. eventually my safe haven disappeared and the next best thing was mom’s house. and then she moved.

   now..well now it feels like i don’t have a safe place anymore. that “home” isn’t home and there isn’t a place i can just relax and not care. i miss that, a lot.
2. 20
   Sep
   

   hw is a bitch.
   procrastination is a bigger bitch. 

   fuuuuuuuccck! still awake and only halfway through history.
3. 20
   Sep
   

   the other day it felt so right to be with him. everything was good nothing went wrong. we were genuinely happy or at least i was. then i went to sleep and today happened. not as great as yesterday, but still pretty damn decent in my book. then just earlier he kneed me in the forehead by accident. it stunned me back to the reality that after being four years together and some added dates to that we will most likely not be the rhyming name couple anymore. 

   it hurts to think about it. keeping busy until then makes me forget sometimes. and sometimes it just makes matters hurt even more when i remember again. talk about total suckage.
4. 20
   Sep
   

   esperanza

   two hours away from home makes it really difficult for me to punch you in the face. the next best thing to it is to talk down on you. whether you find this or not i at least can get it out of my system so that i can focus on more important things than thinking about your wasted life. i’ll admit now that my i may regret saying 5% of what i’m about to write, but lets face it you were always a thorn on my side and it’s about time i pick you out and throw you out.

   sometimes i wonder if God had thought it a cruel joke to put you in my life. that maybe, just maybe life wasn’t interesting enough without a little extra hint of inconvenience. i hate dislike you with passion only for the same reason i your brother. you two give me a headache and great discomfort when i hear your voice, see your name, or even remember you for the minimalist amount of time that it takes me to delete your name off of my facebook friend list. it’s the same sort of discomfort that i feel when i eat raw oysters. and in case you don’t know how that feels, well, you make me want to throw up.

   for years now you’ve shown little respect to my mother. most days i like to brush it off and pretend that your airheadedness is just a birth defect that you can’t help. but it’s frustrating to constantly here your name come out of my mother’s mouth so negatively. it’s poison, really. i just don’t understand why can’t you ever do something right?

   you’re nineteen now. enough time in my book to stop being spoon fed the comfort of “home”. by now i expected you to be in school or have a job of some sort instead of driving a two hour commute every weekend to see your look-a-like boyfriend. by the way in case you were too stupid to figure it out by now, a mercedes isn’t a commute car. so let’s see, what else? you don’t pay for gas. you don’t pay rent. you don’t buy the  food you eat. so stop talking/acting as if you have anywhere better than living at sacramento with “daddy”. 

   i get it. you hate it there. you hate the heat. you hate my mom. you hate the fact that your dad loves my mom. and you hate that you are nowhere near to your, lack of a better word, dweeb like boyfriend. don’t worry i completely understand that you don’t feel like you belong when you have no one to cling to like dog hair on a couch. you have a sad life really. but hey! here’s an idea. MOVE THE FUCK OUT!! you talk about it all the time. so why haven’t you?

   sometimes i find it ridiculous how my mom has to deal with you and your brother’s crap all the time. how, even when you have all the time in the world to do something you still choose to do nothing but mold in your room like the rotten piece of potato that you are. hmmm. i like potatoes so lets fix that, like the rotten egg that you are(just because it smells like ass). 

   why she continues to support your inconsiderate self i have no clue. but show some respect. stop acting as if when you pass her she’s not there. that the food you put in your stomach was not paid by her overtime. 

   don’t you dare ever say shit about my family again. because i’ll seriously fuck you up (not that i can do any worse than what you look like now). if one day you stumble upon this post. then kudos to you for being smarter than a rock. and i hope that one day you will be more successful than myself. just so maybe when you get out there in the real world you’ll realize that what you have now was pretty damn good.
5. 2141
   15
   Mar
   
   
6. 4
   Mar
   

   ate oteng

   thanks cousin. i can’t wait either. i stay cooped up in my room most of the time. i’m ready to be free.
7. 3
   Mar
   

   dear shannen

   it’s nearly damn impossible to get a hold of you so i’m forced to contact you via tumblr hoping that you’ll read this. the news was confirmed via grapevine and i wanted to let you know that you shouldn’t beat yourself over it. your young. God isn’t punishing you, he’s giving you a chance, a test, the time to observe the events in your life to learn and move on stronger than before. don’t seclude yourself from the people that care for you because they are more than willing to help you carry the burden. i hate to see you like this. to hear that my little cousin is hurt and afraid. don’t listen to the hateful wispers of the crowd and do remember where your family is. no boy will fill that void you feel now so take the time to find you, yourself. learn to be indenpendent. learn to love yourself because without finding the chance to be happy with who you are it’ll be hard to just be carefree and happy with whatever life will throws at you. you’re young. so excel to the best of your ability and show the world you can survive.

   love you, cuz. call me if you need me.
8. 2
   Mar
   

   i don’t like it here.
   we have an alarm system in the house that everytime it goes off it strikes fear in me. there are cameras in and out of the house to keep surveilance of any outside intruders. i feel imprisoned. it’s as if they’re watching my every move. damn this crap.
9. 28
   Feb
   

   shannen

   we’ll get through this cousin. chin up. family’s got your back.
10. 25
    Feb
    

    i’m not liking school right now. i wish it were june already. sigh*